Excitement

Maybe this is kind of a vain post, but I did my makeup and hair today and it felt really good. It hasn't happened a lot since I've been in graduate school, and I sure took my time today. Yes, the Alabama frizz will always be there (or Kentucky frizz, no doubt), but it's nice to feel a little pretty. Looking forward to slower mornings for a while. :)

Also, in exactly two weeks I will be headed to Atlanta to hop on a plane for home. The excitement is finally hitting me. Home! Wedding! Chad! Family! And I recently decided to forego my graduation ceremony in favor of a full extra day of honeymoon in Florida with Chad AND--this just in--a possible jaunt up the Atlantic coast on our way back up to Kentucky (now that we won't have to stop in Auburn for graduation). Oh, this is just becoming too good to be true.

Oh hey, do you have a favorite book or book on tape? I'm thinking suspense or mystery--you know, something really gripping--but I'm open to whatever. We're gonna have a looooong drive from FL to KY.

Celebrating the cohort of 2012.

Here's to the best cohort that ever was. I feel so grateful that I came to Auburn two Augusts ago to meet these people. I will miss eternal Tuesdays where we shared clients and dinners and jokes and tears and looks of exasperation. It feels really cheesy to say it, but we share a very unique bond because of what we've been through together. Boot camp. Game nights. FCS. Clinic Night. Pumpkin burning. Half-marathon training. Pink sheets. Thesis. Profile analysis. Tuesday jam sessions. Football. Bachelorette viewing sessions. AAMFT Conference. 4 people sharing an economy hotel room with one bed because somebody isn't very good at using priceline (that was me). Okay, that's probably enough. I love these people. I hope I'm a good therapist. I know I'm a better person for having associated with these friends of mine.

And now, I draw a few lines from the melodramatic closing number of my high school choir concert, in which I could not sing because I was too busy sucking the snot away from my mouth because I was bawling like a baby: "How do we say goodbye, when we never want it to end? Why can't we just pretend there'll never be a goodbye or farewell, my friend? Why must this be the end? One day we'll meet again. 'Til then we'll say goodbye. Yes, we'll say good byeeeeeeee [suppressed sobs and sniffles]...Goodbye."

Oh, but it's not high school. Somehow I feel like the world actually isn't ending, and maybe we actually will meet again. AAMFT Conference 2012? Yeah, probably.

I WILL have the last word.

Sometimes it is so, so very difficult not to have the last word about something. Thank goodness for my blog.

I have found myself in a situation with a superior of mine at school (let's call him Superior #1). Basically, I have a deadline coming up for my thesis--it is July 11th. I defended my thesis on April 30th, but passed "with revisions," meaning that I wasn't completely done until I finished those. Well, I took it easy after I defended, knowing I would get it done in time for the deadline, but desperately wanting to escape the thing for a month or two. Which is exactly what I did.

Shortly after I came back to working on it just a few weeks ago, I had a frantic email from this superior of mine. And many frantic emails which followed the first. You see, Superior #1 had assumed I would quickly finish my revisions (without communicating this to me; and actually, he had suggested I "take my time" so that it looked like we had given due diligence to the suggested revisions which came from another person), and he had failed to properly manage his own time and various personal projects he had going on. And unfortunately, he had failed to communicate with me that another superior (we will call her Superior #2), who also needed to approve the revisions, was leaving on vacation and had hoped to be done reviewing my thesis a full 10 days prior to the actual deadline.

Let me say here that had I known about these secret time constraints, I would have been respectful and compliant. I would have bitten the bullet and gotten it done. But as it was, I was happily enjoying my summer and preparing to get it done in time for the deadline.

Well, everything came to a head last week when Superior #2 informed Superior #1 that Friday was the last day she would look at my thesis before she came back from vacation--after July 11th. In other words, if she didn't have it by Friday, I wouldn't graduate this semester. Which would mean I would continue to be a "BS Intern Therapist" next semester wherever I find a job, and any hours I accrued would not move me towards licensure. It would be a big blow, especially for someone who actually defended earlier than all of her classmates.

Anyway, Superior #1 and I kept sending the thesis back and forth last week--every time I sent it, I thought maybe I had made the final revisions; every time he would send it back with more suggestions. (insert: Superior #1 is extremely self-conscious and has actually applied pressure to me by saying that he can't have Superior #2 thinking he doesn't know how to chair a thesis. Interesting, because he has done very little to actually "chair" my thesis, other than this frantic craziness in the last couple of weeks.) Finally, I sent if off late Thursday night, hopeful it was complete. Knowing this might not be the case, however, I asked Superior #1 to please, please call me or text me, as I would be driving to Kentucky the following day and would need a heads-up to get to a place with a computer/internet if I needed to change something.

No word from Superior #1.

I called; no answer. Left a message.

I texted; no response.

What would you do? Probably forget about it! Which is what I did. I enjoyed the weekend with Chad. We unpacked my stuff and went camping and had a glorious time. Sunday I arrived home to frantic emails from Superior #1. "Cammie, I don't want to assume what this silence means. I still have not heard from you. Please tell me if you are working on the thesis and making the revisions." Emails from Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

Aaaaaarrrrrgh!! I wanted to scream. Instead, I picked myself up, went to campus at 9:00 at night on Sunday, and started pounding away at the new set of suggested revisions. In walked Superior #1. I was calm, but I asked him, "Is your phone broken? I have called and texted. And did you not read my email where I asked you to please call me?" He gave a weak excuse about his phone being on silent (for the past 3 days?!) and proceeded to tell me about how I had picked the worst time for this. (Excuse me, I did not choose the deadline.) He had a book chapter due yesterday, and he was going to have to make some excuses tomorrow about why it wasn't done. (Why is this my problem?)

His advice to me: "Cammie, I was in to see [Superior #1] on Friday since I hadn't heard from you [suppressed scream of frustration] and she said she absolutely did not want to see anything but the final version. We are going to be very lucky if she will take the time to read it Monday or Tuesday before she goes on vacation. If I were you, I would write her an email, tell her you know this is all your fault. And then tell her you know you are at her mercy and that you are confident if she will just take the time to read a few pages of your discussion, she will see the document is high quality."

My response: "Okay." (what the freak? all my fault? can you say "DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE FACE?")

And then, I said, "You know, if I would have known things were going to be so crazy for you, I would have acted differently. You could have told me you needed this done early."

His response: "Yeah, well you're in your own little world. You're thinking about yourself. It's okay."

AAAAAAAAARGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sorry, this is the longest post ever]

Anyway, I sent the thing to Superior #2 Sunday night. And she told me, in a kind but not very reassuring way, "I will do my best. I am very busy. If I find an extra hour at some point, I will definitely read it." (Oh, great. . .)

I sent an email to Superior #1 letting him know what had happened. I said something like, "I finished the revisions and sent it to Superior #2. I really hope she will find time to read it, although she wasn't terribly reassuring. If she doesn't get to it, I will have to move to Plan B. I will arrange a meeting with the head of the department. Surely, in a situation such as this, he could "sit in" on my committee or appoint someone else to do so. I don't think it is fair for me not to graduate because of what has happened when I was not clear about there being an early deadline." And then, "Anyway, I'm probably getting ahead of myself. Hopefully Superior #2 will find time to read it."

The good news: Superior #2 found an "unexpected extra hour" and read it, said it looked great, and she was signing the papers.

The infuriating news: I had a patronizing email from Superior #1 this morning, telling me how glad he was it had worked out for me, that Superior #2's reading the thesis Monday was really our last hope, and that sometime he would explain to me why the suggestion I had made in a prior email (the one about going to the head of the department) would have never worked.

This man HAS to have the last word. (And he's already telling co-workers and other students about how irresponsible I was--he chooses all the right details to paint that picture, believe me.) I wanted to shoot back an email, saying, "That's nice. Interesting you think it wouldn't have worked--I think you are just relieved I didn't expose your incompetence to the head of the department. Let's please skip that conversation." But I didn't say that. I haven't said anything. I am saying it here. I feel so infuriated but so limited because I really can't afford to make an enemy of Superior #1. My lot is to smile, nod, and bite my tongue while enduring a barrage of patronizing comments about how selfish I am, how thoughtless and irresponsible, how fortunate at the mercy of Superior #2, etc.

And the follow-up email this morning from Superior #1: "Both Superior #2 and I would like a bound copy of your thesis."

That'll be the most begrudged $50 gift I've ever given, I can assure you.

Oh, I am so bitter. Please, please don't hate me for being such a bitter wreck right now. I will cool down, really. But right now I am just mad.

On Being a Therapist

Every once in a while, I feel like I'm really good at what I do. Lots of other times, I feel like I'm decent at what I do. Sadly, there are days when I feel I don't know what I'm doing. This post will be about the former. Of course, names and most details will have to be left out.

I loooove couple's therapy. I saw a couple earlier this week for their first session. The man had come in by himself last week, and strongly resisted my urges to bring his wife in, stating that they had tried couple's therapy once or twice before and she had a tendency to become angry and storm out. They had never made it past a single session together. He insisted that bringing her in would not be helpful; I continued to insist that if he wanted to save his marriage, coming in by himself could actually have the opposite effect (I did not make that idea up, it is substantiated by therapy research). Anyway, he surprised me by bringing her in, and the session went great. Afterward, I was the first to exit the room we were meeting in. They lagged behind me by several seconds, and I wasn't sure why, so I backtracked to see why they weren't coming out of the room. There they were, embracing and kissing. I quietly turned and left them there, so happy. I know it's a small thing, but it was really gratifying to see some immediate relief of a huge rift in their relationship (he'd been sleeping on the couch for several months).

Then today, I saw one of my court-ordered teens. This kid is tough, and he's probably in a gang. He doesn't like me much because he thinks most white people are racist and I haven't been able to convince him otherwise. He usually alternates between refusing to talk and glaring at me with such intense hatred that I think he's going to leap out of his chair and pummel me. I've actually been quite terrified a few times. Anyway, we had a breakthrough moment today. It came after he told me to shut up, I told him I wasn't going to let him speak to me that way, and then he glared at me so intensely I had to look away because I was so afraid he was going to hurt me. His mother, who was in session with us, pointed out that she felt he was angry because his dad wasn't involved in his life. As furious as he was with her for sharing this, he began to cry and cry and cry. I could tell he was mad at himself for showing that kind of emotion. He insisted he didn't need his dad. I agreed that he (my client) was a very strong person and probably didn't need his dad, but offered the idea that dad's disinterest still was hurtful, and that my client deserved to be cared for by his dad. It just wasn't fair. He kept crying as I talked. Later, his mom let me know she hadn't seen him express emotion like that for 3 years. My heart ached for him, but I felt like something about our session had been successful. It probably sounds weird, but I think it's really good for people to cry sometimes.

And that is why, sometimes, I feel like I'm really good at what I do. And why I'll probably keep doing it. Change happens oh-so slowly much of the time, so these kinds of moments make it all worth it.  

Hopeful

My, oh my. Bothered that the new blogger isn't allowing me to separate my paragraphs out. 96 days til the wedding. I just checked. I have been working NON STOP on my thesis. Well, as non stop as I've ever worked on it, anyway. Something crazy came over me a couple weeks ago and I decided it was time to set a date for my defense, and when I mentioned this to my major professor, he suggested we shoot for April 30th. Even though I knew it was crazy, and I'm pretty sure he pulled that date out of nowhere, I decided to go for it. I need to have it submitted to my committee by this coming Monday, so I've done a ton of work on it these past several days. The whole thing (the thesis, I mean) has really transformed, even since I thought I was getting close with it last week when I sent it to my major professor. And the project is consuming--for as much as I've put it off so many times, I just love reading all the comments and remembering who said what and making connections and just...being there. (quick update: my thesis is from when I went to Aruba a few summers ago and did focus groups on marriage/relationship education). In a weird way, it'll be a little sad to be done with this project. It keeps me feeling connected to a place and people I love so dearly. But overall, I will be SO HAPPY to be done. I've got final projects due because the semester is ending, and I'm about to be done with my thesis. And then it will be summer. This summer is going to be great--it will consist of long-ish Tuesdays at the clinic (just like always), Wednesdays and Thursdays at my internship, and...that's it. No readings, no class, just clients at school and my internship, and supervision meetings (meetings about my therapy with my supervisors). This is fabulous. AND NO THESIS. It will be done! In less than 2 weeks, I will see Chad. He has a week off because his semester is ending, too, so he's coming down for a few days. We already have a beach/camping trip planned with some friends. I'm so excited for my first beach trip of the summer. And more excited to see Chad. I just can't quite get enough time with him. Once my thesis is done, I will probably launch into full-blown countdown mode. Countdowns to trips, and the countdown to the big day. I can't believe how fast time has already gone--we've been engaged for 3 months, already! Goodness. The day Chad leaves, I fly out to visit home for a week. I get to see Emma graduate and give her Valedictorian speech! I also get to see her either sing in her last choir concert, or play tennis at the Colorado state tournament. Or maybe both? I'm so proud of her! I can't wait to hang out with her and the rest of my family. This post is probably a little more boring and ME-ish than usual. I think I morphed into journal mode as I was writing tonight. It feels good to get some thoughts out, though. Good times. And tomorrow is Sunday! There is nothing like the anticipation of a nice, relaxing Sunday. Good night, world.

The Civil Wars

What could be cooler than sitting outside under a starry sky in Alabama?



Maybe a starry sky in Colorado.



But still, Alabama's pretty good.



'Specially when you got good friends and great live music.

Today's Tidbits

Quick update: (and this probably won't even be an update anymore, if you know me from anywhere other than my blog). I picked a grad school! I'll be headed to Auburn, Alabama to attend the Marriage and Family Therapy program at Auburn University.

Things that make me nervous and hope I've made the right choice include the fact that I still think about how much I liked Nebraska when I visited their program. I hate that I can’t always choose everything I want. Sometimes I feel a pang of sadness when I think about having had to tell them no.

Things that make me happy I'm going to the South:
• There’s a lady from South Carolina who called me at work the other day, and when our chatty conversation turned to my plans to move to Alabama, she shouted into the phone, “Well, sugar, you’re going to the heart o’ Dixie! Welcome to the South!” I love that she would welcome me to her sector of the United States, even though I’m not even moving to her state.
• I watched the movie Blind Side, and when the football recruiter from Auburn University showed up, I was filled with a surge of pride. I called my brother, who was sitting on the other side of the theater, to make sure he’d seen it, too. His response was, “Yes. I’m hanging up now.”
• Auburn has a good football team, and I think I’d rather be a tiger than a cornhusker, if I was going to be reincarnated as one or the other.

Okay, so those are mostly silly reasons. Turns out, in addition to all those reasons, Auburn is reputed to have one of the top MFT programs in the country, in a beautiful state, with lots of culture and history and people I’m excited to know. Class starts August 18th.

Famous People, and Nebraska

Last weekend was quite eventful as I traveled to Lincoln, Nebraska for a graduate school interview. I got to the Salt Lake Airport at 5 am Thursday morning and boarded my flight. As I sat at my window seat, wondering who would be occupying the seat next to me, a very large man came into view. I grumbled within myself. "Oh great, looks like I'll be sharing half of my seat," I thought.

The man sat down and we began chatting. He was on his way to Colorado to give a speech. When I asked him what for, he told me he used to wrestle. "Like, professionally?" was all I could think to ask. "I won the gold medal in Sydney and the bronze in Athens." What?! At that point I knew I had heard of him, but I had to ask his name. "Rulon Gardner," he confirmed. No way--I was sitting next to Rulon Gardner. We talked about what it felt like to win a Gold Medal, and how one goes about training for a sport like wrestling. My dumb question was, "How do you train for wrestling, anyway? It's not like you can just wrestle people, all the time!" He paused, and then said, "Yep, that's how you train. You just wrestle people, all the time. Big people, small people. You just find people to wrestle."

In Denver, I got on my connecting flight to Omaha. This time I sat next to a man with a British accent, and we immediately began chatting about where we were going and why. He was a musician headed to Iowa for a performance. When I probed, I found out he was a member of the King's Singers. He told me about singing for President Hinckley, we talked about religious traditions like Mardi Gras and Lent, and he told me stories of times when he had failed or not been given what he wanted but how he knew God had a plan for him. He seemed like such a wise fellow. His parting words to me were, "Have a nice journey. Be yourself!"

And there I was, in Omaha, having spent my morning with two different famous people, and wondering what I could/should have learned from each of them. And then I started thinking about how much I could probably learn from ANY person, if I could sit with them and talk with them and invest the same amount of interest in what they had to say as I would for an Olympic athlete or a world-class singer.

The next four days were spent in Lincoln, Nebraska. Friday I had my all-day interview with the faculty of the Marriage and Family Therapy program at University of Nebraska. It was great; I was impressed by the program and liked the town. I added a slew of items to the 'pros' side of my running pros and cons list for Nebraska (I have one for each of the schools I'm applying to).

Tuesday morning I got a call from one of the MFT faculty from Nebraska. I'm in! What a huge relief to get in to a program. I will go to school next year, for sure! I have two interviews left, and lots more considering to do, but I'm stoked about the idea of being a Corn Husker.